the miracle of life

It's always amazing to me how teeny tiny cells can turn into a human life. How a baby can go from being the size of your pinky finger to an 7+ pound bundle of joy.

Having gone through IVF I got to experience life right from the beginning. I'm thankful for this experience because I got to see several weeks of the beginnings of life that I didn't get to see with my other 2 kids. By the time I saw them on an ultrasound they were already about 8-9 weeks along with a tiny little heartbeat.

But this last little one...I got to see right from the beginning. As just a group of cells, growing & dividing.

I always wonder which one was Addie :) Was she #1 that my 

dr thought was the 'best' embryo out of the bunch??

Then as just a little sac. 

5 weeks 5 days

And then a tiny flicker of a heartbeat.

6 weeks 5 days

The beginnings of arms & legs, hands & feet. A tiny, tiny baby.

10 weeks 5 days

More defined arms, legs, fingers, toes. Movement. A tiny baby growing bigger & bigger.

 

11 weeks 6 days

 20 weeks 6 days

Growing bigger and bigger by the weeks. 

29 weeks 2 days

Until the day that you get to hold that precious baby in your arms for the first time. 

2 days old

 1 month old

How can you not say this is a miracle?? It's just amazing to me and I'm so thankful I got to experience it just one more time.

96

Do you know what that number represents?? 

37 of these...

and 59 of that big one on the right...

I had my last injection last night. Woo hoo!!! Now maybe my hips can get back to normal. Cause right now they're all lumpy like cottage cheese. ewwww! hehe It'll be so nice to not hear these words from my husband as he's trying to find a 'good' spot to give my shot "God, this looks terrible. I can't find a spot that doesn't have a lump!"

It's all worth it. All of it. Remind me of that the night before my c-section. Cause I guarantee I'll be freaking out that night... Now maybe we can get to more of the 'normal' stuff of pregnancy :)

I'm hoping to be back later today with the first few pages of my December Daily!

five

In about 7 1/2 months we will be a family of *five*. 

Which means my intuition was right...I am having one baby!

Of course, my dr being the jokester type that he is said 'let me just look around & make sure there aren't anymore hiding. Oh, there's another one! Just kidding!" Yes, this is the same dr that made jokes about water while I had a full bladder during my embryo transfer. Real funny...ha HA!

We couldn't really see anything other than the yolk sac (that tiny little circle inside the fluid) & the fluid around it. I have another ultrasound next week and we should be able to see the heartbeat :)


I was cracking up at the poll I had running. Choices 1 & 3 were always neck and neck while choice 2 always hovered around 50%. I think you guys were just wishful thinking twins for me ;) So it turns out that 15 of you were right! ...and I think I have some houses to TP ;) Beck, you're first! ha!


It's funny, we've spent weeks wondering if there could be more than one in there. And your mind starts playing tricks on you and you start picturing what it would be like with twins. When we actually found out there was only one it was a bit anti-climatic.  

Don't get me wrong - we are thrilled beyond belief to be able to get this chance to take this journey just one more time. 


But with IVF everything is so carefully planned out that you lose the 'surprise' factor. But that's ok, we have one more surprise coming. As with our other 2 kids, we won't be finding out if it's a boy or girl until he or she is born. Shocker I know! No one waits anymore, right?! Well, that's what we're planning right now. The kids want to be surprised and we want them to be as big a part of this as they can. So for now we're gonna wait. But you know how kids are, they may change their minds in a few months ;)

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I've also started a pregnancy journal/scrapbook. I got a cute Making Memories 8 1/2 x 11 3-ring scrapbook over at Sweet Memories. I've never scrapped this size before so it's kinda strange for me. I just wanted some way of journaling and scrapbooking everything for this pregnancy given this is my last baby.


Here's the first layout I did for the scrapbook:

Love those new thickers. Aren't they yummy?? And that Tim Holtz tissue tape...one word - addicted.

I'm sure with how much more I'm being monitored for this pregnancy I'll have this scrapbook filled in no time!
 

still feels surreal...

Our family will soon be growing by one more (or possibly more??) Two blood tests and 2 home pregnancy tests have confirmed it - I am indeed expecting!!! I never ever ever thought I would EVER utter those words again in my lifetime.

I feel so blessed. Even more than I did before.

I woke up Monday morning and just felt 'different'. So different from any other previous day. I just 'knew'. So I took a home pregnancy test. It was positive. The line was very faint, but it was there. 

But I didn't believe it until I had the blood test on Tuesday morning which confirmed it. Then today I had more blood work to confirm that my hcg levels are going up, which they are. Tuesday they were 41 (pretty low) and today they were 81 (which is where the nurse guessed they'd be).

It's hard to know what's 'normal' because everyone is different. Some women's #'s start off low and some higher. But as long as they're going up and not going down (or hitting a plateau) then it's good.

I'll have the 'how many' question answered in a couple weeks once my hcg levels hit about 4000. So I thought it'd be fun to have a poll which is over at the top right ------->>>>

And if anyone answers 'three', I'm gonna hunt you down and TP your house!! hehe I'm really feeling like there's only one in there. Then again, I thought my daughter was going to be a boy and my son was going to be a girl! Clearly my intuition doesn't always work properly. So who knows right now!!

Thank you to everyone who has supported me on this journey. It's been a long (almost) 3 yrs of waiting. Lots of crying. Lots of praying.

And now comes the fun part of waiting. And I can't wait!!

are you in there little fetus??

I am very much feeling like I'm on an emotional roller coaster this week. And I really feel like I need to get off before I puke. I like roller coasters & all, but being on the verge of tears each and every day is not how I would choose to spend my time. And every 'new' symptom gets me wondering 'could this be pregnancy or am I just bloated??' It's funny how your mind plays tricks on you. Because what I really know is that it's too early for any symptoms at this point. And my body has been full of artificial hormones for nearly the last month so I really have no concept of 'normal'.

I don't blame the hormones for these feelings. I blame the process. This is definitely a stressful process to go through. The injections...they're the easy part. Making decisions that could affect your family, your health, your future little babies...that's stressful.

All I know is that the waiting is killing me and my body looks like I'm 4 mos pregnant thanks to hormones & lack of exercise (not allowed to). I want to be able to walk around and say 'no, I'm not fat, I'm pregnant'.


I just want the guessing to be over. For nearly 3 yrs I have wondered if we will be a family of 5 (or more??) and all that guessing ends next week. In a way I'm dreading it.

If you're a fan of Friends than you may remember this song. Kinda how I'm feeling right now :)

tiny little embryos

Yes, those are my embryos :) My tiny little future baby Whitlows! hehe My doctor said I had 'pretty embryos'. Why thank you Dr. T!!

I didn't know what to expect going into my appt on Friday given that they had decided to do the embryo transfer on day 3 instead of day 5. I figured that meant that they weren't doing well. That's what he had told me before...that he typically did a day 3 transfer if he didn't think they were gonna make it.

We were pleasantly surprised with the news we heard that morning. The embryos looked really good. His exact words 'you did good!' Wow. Big sigh of relief I can tell you. The main reason for doing a day 3 transfer? Because we only had 3 embryos and couldn't risk losing any of them. If we waited til day 5 we would know which ones would drop off and which ones wouldn't. Maybe they would all make it since they did look really good. 

The embryos are rated 1,2,3,4; 1 being really good and 4 being bad. #1 embryo was rated as a 1; embryos 2 & 3 were rated as a 2, but a really good 2. But again, since we didn't know if we could lose any of them the best choice was to put them in and give them the best fighting chance they had.

And yes, we put in all 3 on my doctor's recommendation. He said if they looked like that on day 5, he would recommend putting in 2. But again, there's no way of knowing which one of those would drop off between day 3 & 5. And we didn't want to risk losing one or picking the wrong one. They also 'hatched' my embryos which means using a laser to prick a tiny hole in the outer layer. The embryos can't attach without breaking out of that and when you're {{ahem}} over 35 that outer layer can get harder to break. Why does he always insist on bringing up my age??? hehe

The worst part of the whole procedure was the fact that I had to do it with a full bladder. Yep, full bladder while he's messing around with the embryos and I have a nurse pushing an ultrasound right on my bladder. It was horrible. Thankfully it only lasted about 15 minutes...I wouldn't have lasted a minute longer!

In a week and a half I'll go to my dr for blood work (pregnancy test). Until then we wait. And I have to go in for bloodwork tomorrow to make sure everything is looking ok.  It's a very strange feeling knowing that my little embryos are in there. Apparently they'll float around for 3 days before attaching...hence my 'limited activity' for 3 days. I've basically spent the weekend sitting around. I'm thinking I might attempt some scrappin' as that only involves sitting at a table.

So you probably won't hear me talk about this anymore until I find out the news. I'm praying for good news next week!!

IVF - follicles & eggs

Today will {{hopefully}} be my first day of pregnancy :) I will be away from the computer so I thought I'd share something with you guys that I found out with regard to IVF and my egg retrieval. You might remember from this post that just 2 days before my egg retrieval I had about 11 eggs growing (or so I thought).


When my doctor went in and did my egg retrieval there were only 5.


So what happened to the rest of them??


Here's the thing - eggs are microscopic. What my doctor was seeing on ultrasound was the 'follicles' that surround an egg. There's no way of knowing if there's a mature egg inside until they do the egg retrieval. 

So after egg retrieval, my doctor washes off the follicles & extracts the fluid (basically). Then the embryologist looks at them under the microscope to determine how many actual eggs are in there.


So if there were eggs inside the other follicles that we saw on ultrasound, they just didn't get enough food to make the egg grow.


Interesting huh?! I thought so...so I thought I'd share :)
 

embryo transfer scheduled

...for tomorrow! This is it. I was planning on Sunday and had that all set in my head. But once again God proved to me that I am not at all in control here!

After looking at them today the embryologist feels that it would be better to put them in tomorrow rather than wait until Sunday.

So I will go in tomorrow and see what my doctor has to say about my embryos and we will decide how many to put in.

Thank you everyone for your sweet comments throughout my journey. They mean more to me than you can possibly imagine!!

egg retrieval, embryos & feeling sore

Yesterday was egg retrieval day. I was so nervous. You would be too if you knew where they were sticking a needle! But thankfully I was sedated for that so no pain! Woo hoo for good drugs!! hehe The nurse joked with me that I could do this without sedation since I've been through so many surgeries and procedures. I heard her talking to the anesthesiologist from behind the curtain saying 'Michelle over there doesn't need any drugs. She's a pro at this kind of stuff!" To which I quickly responded "No way!! Double drugs for me!" hehe

Everyone there was so wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to be helping me on this journey. I am very sore on the inside, way more sore than I had anticipated. Apparently that's normal. I had no idea. So I'm laying low right now.

So here's what happened yesterday - they managed to get 5 mature eggs. Not awesome but not bad. My dr was quick to point out that he's had cases where there was only 1 egg retrieved and turned into a baby, another case of only 2 and the woman had twins.

Do you see why I like this doctor?? Very positive :)

Anyway, those 5 eggs were fertilized yesterday and as of today we have 3 growing embryos. So, now it's really looking like this is going to be a one shot deal for us. Kinda stressful but good in a way. I was already a little worried as to what we would do with any leftover embryos. Because this is a little life to me. And destroying an embryo - even though it's only 'cells' at this point - was weighing heavy on my heart.

So now we wait for them to grown. Embryo transfer will most likely be Sunday unless they're not doing so good and in that case it would be Friday. Sometimes if they're not growing well the dr will put them in a little early in the hopes that it will grow better in the uterus.

So now we wait....

And my nurse will give me an update tomorrow as to how my little embryos are doing.

I started the progesterone shot last night. I drove my husband crazy cause I kept stopping him cause I was psyching myself out. Hey, it's a big needle! And I may have some extra padding on my backside but still!! You know what?? The shot itself didn't hurt at all. But today?? I am really sore in that area from the medicine. So I'm guessing these shots are gonna get worse as I get more sore. 

Trying to keep {{positive thoughts}}

and sprinkling that with lots of prayer

So I think I'll pull this out and play...

IVF - timing is everything

I had my last ultrasound & blood work yesterday. Yes, I had a dr appt on a Sunday. Because my eggs wait for no one! hehe I'm scheduled for my egg retrieval tomorrow morning. Right now, there's about 11 follicles total that are growing. 4-5 are right on the cusp of maturing, 4-5 are almost there and may or may not be there by tomorrow morning. The problem is, if we try and wait for the ones that aren't quite mature we will lose the ones that are already there. So it's a gamble. 

I'm feeling very anxious about tomorrow. Anxious that everything will go ok. That he will be able to get enough 'good' eggs and those eggs will fertilize and grow into viable embryos. That the procedure itself will go ok (remember I have a lot of scar tissue in there and there's always the possibility that some things aren't where they should be). Anxious about the whole thing.


The last 2 weeks come down to this week. I feel like Phoebe on 'Friends', when she was doing IVF for her brother & sister in-law. And she made the comment 'they're literally putting all of their eggs in my basket!" 


This is a one shot deal for us. There won't be a second chance for getting more eggs. This month cost us $16K. There are no more loans to get. We aren't going to bankrupt our family to have another child. If this doesn't work and there's embryos left over we've decided we'll do one additional transfer. And that's it. 


So, I'm trying to keep a hold onto this...

Trying to have faith. Faith that whatever the outcome, this is where God wants me to be. Even if it's not the outcome that I want.


On a brigher note - I don't have to take any injections today! Woo hoo!! I took my last one last night and I'll start on progesterone shots tomorrow. I took a picture of the syringes to give you an idea of what I've been taking these last 12 days:

These were all belly injections. I took 37 in all over the last 12 days.

The left one was for Lupron, taken twice a day from day 1. This one helps keep me from ovulating (suppresses LH surge).  

The middle one is for Gonal-F, taken once a day at night, started on day 3. This one helps stimulate egg growth.


The one on the right is for Menopur, taken once a day at night, taken for the last 5 days. That one helps stimulate egg growth, too. This one I very much disliked. Even though the needle is a bit bigger it actually went in easier but the medicine burned going in each.and.every.time.


Last night I took a 4th medication called Ovidrel which is the IVF trigger shot (triggers ovulation). I had to take that at a specific time last night based on my ultrasound & blood work done yesterday. I don't have a pic of that but it looks pretty similar in size to the middle one.


Tomorrow starts progesterone shots. Soooo not looking forward to those. They are intramuscular (which means booty shot). You can see why here:

Yes, the needle looks that big. To give you a comparison, the other needles are about a 1/2" long, the progesterone needle is  1 1/2". 

Yeah...now you see why I'm not looking forward to that one. 

So tomorrow is a big day. And hopefully in 3-5 days from tomorrow I'll be going in for an embryo transfer!
 

grow baby grow!!

I had the 2nd of 4 dr appts today for an ultrasound & blood work. Things are progressing as they should. A bit slow but still good. Right now I have 5 follicles growing on the left side and 3 on the right. Not a ton but still good. I asked my doctor if that was normal and he cautioned against saying what was 'normal' because everyone's normal is different. And remember, we're causing my body to do something it wouldn't normally do which is produce multiple follicles in one month. But he did say on average for a woman under 35 (here we go with that age thing again!) it's about 10 follicles on each side. Yeah, I don't fall into that group anymore...

But...

As he said today, it only takes one egg to make a baby. He even went further and said that it's not always about quantity but more about quality. Of course, it's great if you have 20 eggs to choose from but I could also produce 2 really good ones and get one baby or twins. 

He's really good at the encouragement. It's nice to hear :)

So, that's where I'm at right now. I took a picture of how many injections I've done so far...

19 as of this morning. I'll be starting a 3rd medication tonight which takes me up to 4 injections a day (1 in the morning, 3 at night). Oh, and guess what happened last night when I opened a new box of medication?? The vial was empty. Yes, empty!! One of the medications I'm on is Gonal-F. It comes in a box with the syringes, vial with a white powdering pill looking thing inside, and a syringe of fluid. I'm supposed to inject the fluid into the vial, then using the other syringes to prepare my injection.

And there was nothing in the vial. No pill looking thing. Can you imagine if I had injected the fluid without looking to see if that vial had anything in it?? I'd be injecting myself with nothing but water. Somehow I don't think that's gonna cause my eggs to grow any. Ugh...

So I had to call the pharmacy last night (in Massachusetts). Thankfully they were still there. I had to call the maker of the medicine today so they could write up a report and authorize a new box shipped to me. I called the pharmacy back today and they won't be able to get me a new one til tomorrow. And, I don't have enough to last me for my injection tonight. So now I have to run back in town (36 miles round trip) to get an injection to tide me over til I get my replacement tomorrow.

And here I was hoping to spend the rest of the afternoon at home. Oh well, that's just how it goes :)

this is why I need a calendar

Do you remember my cute little calendar I made to keep track of all my IVF stuff?? (You can see more pics here)

Well, let me show you what the inside is looking like right now...

See, this is why I needed a calendar! There's actually more appts but I haven't filled those in yet as they will vary based on all the appts this week. I have bloodwork & ultrasounds 4 times this week and several hours after each appt my nurse calls me to tell me the dosages of my medications to take between now and the next appt (cause they can change based on the results of the bloodwork & ultrasound).

Today my dr said my right ovary is reacting a bit slower to the medications than the left side but there's still time to 'stimulate the follicles' as he said. Sounds funny, doesn't it?! Coincidentally, that's the same side that has more of the scar tissue & the blocked tube, which normally doesn't matter in IVF because they bypass the tubes all together, but I thought it was ironic.


I think I'm starting to feel some effects form the hormones as I've felt on the verge of vomiting all.day.long today. And it figures that my husband is out of town and my kids have soccer & baseball. The show must go on, right?!


By the way, I did start giving myself my own injections. Actually, the same day as this post. Thank you everyone for your encouragement!!! I'm up to 3 a day. My dr is still trying to decide if he's going to add another one tomorrow or not. 

So that's it! Just thought I'd share a little bit more about the whole process. This week and next are the big weeks!! Then 2 weeks of waiting...
 

no big deal...right??

That's what I keep telling myself. I started my injections last night. And they're really not bad at all. It feels like a pinch really. But I haven't been able to do it myself yet. And it's driving me crazy!

Last night I had my husband do it so I'd know what to expect. You know, cause when you're pushing a needle into your belly it can be a little intimidating even if the needle isn't really that big. Of course, he had to add in 'suck it up and take the shot!" hehe You'd have to know me and my husband's relationship. We tease...a lot ;) I'm not a needles person but shots don't really bother me. And I know there's going to be a really big one starting in less than 2 weeks and I'll be on that one for up to 11 weeks. So this should be a breeze.

This morning I was all set to do it myself. And then I chickened out. And it's making me mad cause it's all mental. I know it doesn't hurt. But I know I have to learn to do it cause my husband is going out of town soon and by Friday I'll be up to 3 belly shots a day, 4 by Monday. So I have to conquer this!!

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By the way, there was a commenter on my blog recently - Jen with triplets (who lives in my area) - can you email me (meandmyscraps {at} yahoo {dot} com?? I would love to chat with you about the whole IVF thing if you don't mind??

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Be back later today with thrifty thursday...gotta clean my house first!!

they've started to arrive

I got my first box of meds (i.e. injections) today. Actually, this is only for one of the medications I'll be taking. It's hard to believe that something so little can cost so much!! 

I'm starting to feel a bit....well, I'm not sure what the correct word is. I guess anxious would be the best word. I'm not too worried about all of the belly injections. Not yet anyway. Cause those needles are pretty small in comparison to the progesterone injections. Those ones....they're a bit bigger. And I start those on the day of egg retrieval and continue on them (God willing) until 11 weeks of pregnancy.

I'm kind of a 'delayed' kind of worrier. When I'm in the thick of something I'm pretty calm and handle things. I'm not a freak out kind of mom when my kid gets hurt. I run in and take care of business. And I've had experience between my son breaking his leg at 4 yrs old and my daughter being in the hospital for 8 days last year. And I know...I can handle it. 

It's after when I start to stress. Or finally get the chance to break down. 

So when we made this big decision to move forward I felt great. I mean great. I knew it was the right decision and I was just ready to get started. Now it's all coming down to it. I met with the nurse yesterday and went over all the meds (all 5 of them) and when I'll be taking them and when I'll be coming in the office (a lot). Let's just say that starting on the 15th I will be seeing a lot of the staff there!


And I'm ok with all of it. Just a little anxious. It's a lot to take in. I'll share some of that next week and you can get a better grasp of it. It's a lot.

But if the end result is a baby (or two!) then it is all worth it. Actually, it's worth it regardless :)

good things coming

I decided to make a calendar for all my IVF stuff...separate from my other 'regular' planner. I love altering date books & planners, I've been doing it for years (you can click here for the one I made this year).  Cause the ones in the stores...well, they're kinda boring. You gotta jazz 'em up, right?!

So I found this calendar at Walmart. I went to about 4 or 5 places before finding just the right one. 

I needed something that had enough room to jot down notes but also thin and easy to grab and take with me to dr appts. This one was perfect. I picked up some new Echo Park at the birthday bash last weekend and decorated it up a bit :)

Notice the cover - 'good things coming'. I didn't really want to put 'baby' or something like that on the cover. But this cover makes me smile.

The thing about this whole 'experience' is that it has turned out to be one of the best things that has happened to my family. Funny how God works, isn't it?? 

I spent so much time being sad that He would not give me another child. What I didn't realize is that this journey is 'His' plan. It wasn't mine. But I'm so thankful for it. Because it has brought me and my husband closer together. We've spent months of talking and crying and praying about something that a lot of people don't even need to discuss. The thing is, when you 'decide' to have a baby, and it just happens, that's almost easy. It was for us for our first 2 kids. But now we've had to face things and talk about things that we would have never discussed had this whole infertility thing never happened. And it's made my faith stronger, whatever the outcome ends up being.

Back to the calendar...on the inside cover I added a Maya Road envelope to keep dr cards, notes, etc.

And inside I did some simple decorating. The whole point of this calendar is not just to keep everything straight (injections, dr appts, etc) but to have a keepsake for if/when I do have another baby. And if I do end up pregnant I'll use this calendar as my pregnancy journal as well.

Notice that little baby pic at the bottom?? My daughter cut that out of a magazine today after she saw what I did with this calendar. That girl, she cracks me up. I don't know what she's going to do if we don't have any more children. She's already planning things out. She wants a baby brother or sister (preferably a sister! hehe) soooo bad. I really hope her prayers are answered :)

And another one of my decorated jumbo paper clips

I'm praying I have lots of good news to share & record in this calendar!

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As a side note ~ I've been very open about my IVF journey and plan on doing so in the future. I'm not going to make this blog all about that. And I do realize that some people will probably skim over those posts and I totally understand. But like I've said before, this blog is about everything in my life. And for the next few months, IVF is going to be a big part of that. When we decided to go this route I found a few blogs of women who were sharing their experiences and I found them totally comforting and educational. 

So maybe my little blog will help out someone else going through this, maybe not. Maybe some people will be interested in it simply because they don't know much about it. Let me tell ya, I've learned a lot already! But most importantly, I've always felt I should be honest and 'real' and that's all I can be!