Monday, August 2, 2010


I get tired of being 'strong'. Sometimes I just want to go to bed and melt away. But I don't...

I get tired of dealing with infertility decisions...should we, should we not, are we too old, are we going to go in debt, what if something goes wrong...

I get tired of people letting me down. Not to say that I'm perfect, cause I'm far from it. But I would never intentionally let anyone down. 

I get tired of having 'tummy issues', Crohn's disease/IBD, all the crap (literally, HA!) that goes along with it. Some days I would just like to feel normal, without having to worry about where a bathroom is at all times, wherever I go. Not having to feel like I want to throw up after every.single.meal. Not being dramatic, that's a fact.

I'm tired of dealing with stuff. I know others have it worse. I know I certainly have a great life. I know it. But then again, not everyone has had to deal with the same stuff as me for the past 2 months. Sometimes, just sometimes, it would be nice for everything to not seem like such a struggle.

I wish I knew what God wanted for me. I've been seeing 'signs' lately. But are those actual 'signs' or am I just seeing what I want to see? I don't know.

I miss when life was easier. 

You just gotta be real. Cause this blog isn't all sunshines & rainbows. For the most part it is :) But if you're looking for a blog that only paints the nice picture of the perfect life....well, you won't find it here. Cause I'm not perfect. And my life certainly isn't either. And that's ok.

I got a call today from a POS debt collector looking for the person 'handling the affairs' of my brother. Their schemy little minions searched around to find any relatives they could call, even though they have been told multiple times that my brother had no 'affairs', no property, no spouse, nothing that they can collect from. But I guess they didn't believe my dad when he told them that. I guess they have to start coming after other relatives. I wonder if they'll go after my cousins next.

I can tell you that debt collector probably won't want to talk to me again any time soon. And I so thank her for setting the tone of my mood. Just one.more.thing.


Annalee Taylor said...

oh michelle,
I love your blog and check it often, i must tell you, todays post did lift me, I have been feeling the same way latelty. For no apparent reason I burst into tears, or rage or anything really. I just have been feeling crappy. We too have had struggles with infertility and other awesome crap (ok not so awesome) but something I must tell you that I do have, and I am more sure of it than anything... faith. Faith that tomorrow the sun will shine, and it will be ok. I hope you know you are SO loved, and SO talented. Thank you for sharing you REAL thoughts & hang in there! We all loose ourselves a little, thats just fine!
Your in my thoughts and prayers, lots of love.

Lisa said...

Oh Michelle, I feel ya girl! I don't have the same issues you've had, especially the last two months, but there are certainly times when I feel this way - why am I the one that has to give in, when am I going to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing, why does everything have to be difficult. I wish I had a magic solution since I know that crappy, fed up feeling. I'd say hang in there, but you are already doing that! :D Hope it gets better!!

Bec said...

Trust me when I saw I FULLY understand the stomach issues (can we say barium enema at age 25!?) and all the meds it requires and how darn intrusive into your life it all gets. I also know about the sadness and just wanting to lose it sometimes. Our family has been put through the ringer the last few years and come out with quite a few less members, but we keep going. It still sucks, though. Sucks real hard.

Becky said...

Ohhh, I WISH I could've heard you on that call... ha ha

Kelli said...

I second this post...well said, well written. Thanks for sharing and here's to easier times :)

Lisa Dickinson said...

hugs, girl! you're right, sometimes life just gets overwhleming and you have to ask WTF?? Looks like you've had a lot of stuff thrown your way lately - hang in there! thinking of you!

Kim's Treasures said...

Awww...I'm so sorry, Michelle! I hope today is a better day for you!

I have found something that has calmed down my IBS from excruciating pain to just uncomfortableness (is that a word???)...It's a probiotic, this is the only one that has really worked, it's called Culturelle. I take 2 a day on days that I feel really off and one a day on the days that aren't too bad. It has made a difference.


Mara... said...

Big hugs to you Michelle. You've been through alot lately, sometimes it's alright to want to take a break!! I hope things start looking up for you.

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