this day just plain sucks

what a title, huh?!

Well, it just does. And sometimes you just gotta be honest. 

Now, I don't normally talk about this stuff on my blog. Because I don't want to complain. And I'm not normally a negative person.

But I went to a fertility doctor today. Because after 2 1/2 yrs I am not pregnant. And I've never had problems with that before. But that was 3 surgeries ago. I found out last August that one of my tubes was blocked due to scar tissue (from the surgeries and Crohn's disease). But I kept hoping and praying that the other side would work. 

It hasn't.

And I'm not getting any younger. I'll be turning 38 this year. My kids are already 6 and 8 and the gap between them and a potential sibling is getting bigger and bigger.

So I was told today that pretty much my only option is IVF. Because even though the other tube is not blocked, that doesn't mean that there's not scar tissue on that side pulling down on the tube and keeping those little fingers from grabbing an egg (we've all seen those diagrams at the dr's office, right?) And, there's no guarantee that the eggs that are in there are good anyway.

I had planned on showing pics of my sweet Olivia today but I'm a bit heartbroken. Because I don't have an extra $15K laying around. And decisions have to be made soon because, like I said, I'm not getting any younger (I was reminded of my age at least 3 times during my dr visit). And my chances of having another child are getting smaller and smaller.

And I'm a bit angry. I'm angry that I have all these crappy health issues on top of fertility issues. There are days that I think "maybe if I just pray a little more, or go to church more, or be a better person, God will reward me with another child". But then that's silly. Because it doesn't work that way. 

I'm angry when I read about Octomom. And the lady that was just arrested in GA for snorting crack (or whatever it was) so she could purposely give her child a disability to get more money from the state when it was born. And when my cousin had 5 ~ FIVE ~ children on welfare and didn't properly take care of any of them. And people who simply discard their babies because they "didn't want" a baby right now.

It makes me angry. And I try not to be angry at God. And I know there's people who have it worse than me. I know there's people out there who are struggling with just trying to conceive for the first time. And I'm truly happy for friends I've known in the past 2 years of my trying that have successfully had a baby. I don't begrudge anyone of their happiness. I've known people like that.  That's not fair to take away someone else's happiness. I'm not that person.

I've been patient. In 2 1/2 years I've only taken 2 pregnancy tests. I've seen people who take one every month ~ every month! ~ and then say how heartbroken they were. And it took "so long" to get pregnant. Sorry, but 6 months is NOT a long time. Try waiting years. Then talk to me about how long it took you to get pregnant.

I've been told by well meaning people "It'll happen if it's meant to happen" and "Just stop 'trying'" and "Be thankful for the 2 kids that you have" (as if I'm not). But that doesn't take away the desire. The desire to have another child.

And for one day, just one day, I think I deserve to be a little angry. And a little sad. Because this on top of PMS makes for a crappy day!