Tuesday, May 4, 2010

this day just plain sucks

what a title, huh?!

Well, it just does. And sometimes you just gotta be honest. 
Now, I don't normally talk about this stuff on my blog. Because I don't want to complain. And I'm not normally a negative person.

But I went to a fertility doctor today. Because after 2 1/2 yrs I am not pregnant. And I've never had problems with that before. But that was 3 surgeries ago. I found out last August that one of my tubes was blocked due to scar tissue (from the surgeries and Crohn's disease). But I kept hoping and praying that the other side would work. 

It hasn't.

And I'm not getting any younger. I'll be turning 38 this year. My kids are already 6 and 8 and the gap between them and a potential sibling is getting bigger and bigger.

So I was told today that pretty much my only option is IVF. Because even though the other tube is not blocked, that doesn't mean that there's not scar tissue on that side pulling down on the tube and keeping those little fingers from grabbing an egg (we've all seen those diagrams at the dr's office, right?) And, there's no guarantee that the eggs that are in there are good anyway.

I had planned on showing pics of my sweet Olivia today but I'm a bit heartbroken. Because I don't have an extra $15K laying around. And decisions have to be made soon because, like I said, I'm not getting any younger (I was reminded of my age at least 3 times during my dr visit). And my chances of having another child are getting smaller and smaller.

And I'm a bit angry. I'm angry that I have all these crappy health issues on top of fertility issues. There are days that I think "maybe if I just pray a little more, or go to church more, or be a better person, God will reward me with another child". But then that's silly. Because it doesn't work that way. 

I'm angry when I read about Octomom. And the lady that was just arrested in GA for snorting crack (or whatever it was) so she could purposely give her child a disability to get more money from the state when it was born. And when my cousin had 5 ~ FIVE ~ children on welfare and didn't properly take care of any of them. And people who simply discard their babies because they "didn't want" a baby right now.

It makes me angry. And I try not to be angry at God. And I know there's people who have it worse than me. I know there's people out there who are struggling with just trying to conceive for the first time. And I'm truly happy for friends I've known in the past 2 years of my trying that have successfully had a baby. I don't begrudge anyone of their happiness. I've known people like that.  That's not fair to take away someone else's happiness. I'm not that person.

I've been patient. In 2 1/2 years I've only taken 2 pregnancy tests. I've seen people who take one every month ~ every month! ~ and then say how heartbroken they were. And it took "so long" to get pregnant. Sorry, but 6 months is NOT a long time. Try waiting years. Then talk to me about how long it took you to get pregnant.

I've been told by well meaning people "It'll happen if it's meant to happen" and "Just stop 'trying'" and "Be thankful for the 2 kids that you have" (as if I'm not). But that doesn't take away the desire. The desire to have another child.

And for one day, just one day, I think I deserve to be a little angry. And a little sad. Because this on top of PMS makes for a crappy day!



Brandi @ Frugal Farmhouse said...

I love to hear honest, heart felt blog posts. I wish I had some pearl of wisdom to insert here.. but I don't... I hope you have a better day :) **HUGS**

katievu21 said...

::HUGS:: I'm so sorry, Michelle. I wish your appointment had turned out better. =( Thinking about and praying for you...


KariAnnS said...

Thinking of you friend

Bec said...

At least you have two beautiful children. Maybe that's what God intended for you. Some people can't have any. Know you have been blessed and know what is meant to happen will happen and that's the way your life is meant to be!

Kellie said...

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and I love ya. And yes, you do have the right to feel the way you want to. Its the process of healing and understanding. I am one of those that told you to just stop trying and let nature take its course, but I know it does not take away from the desire. Anyone that knows you, knows that you love those babies of yours more that life itself. I am praying for you.

lauriec said...

I've got nothing to offer than {{{{HUGS}}}} & prayers.

Carol said...

Oh Michelle, I am so sorry to hear about this. I wish I could make it all better for you. As someone who tried unsuccessfully for years, I know how frustrating it can be. Keeping my fingers crossed that next month is the lucky one!!

Heather Carpenter said...

Long distance Hugs to you... Ironically my husbands BF's and his wife are going through a similar issue and we had a long discussion about it yesterday. She had 2 kids by her EX then got her tubes tied after divorce. Married Steve who had no children then changed her mind about wanting more children. They paid over 5,000 for a reversal 3 years ago. One tube was ruined and the other barely had enough to reconnect. They have been trying for over 3 years and she is now having female problems. ... With today being their anniversary she did some reflecting and is reviewing her life. What it is now, what it was when she did the reversal and she is coming to terms that this may not be God's way. It a really hard thing to think about for her but it is better than beating herself up about it. She still hold out hope and really that is a good thing. I still have hope for them but for the first time she has a sort of peace about the situation.

I will pray for you that you get all your hopes and dreams. Your a great mother and you deserve this.

Just call me b said...

Girl, hoping you are feeling better...but knowing that the desire is still there!

Here's a verse I have cling'd to so many times...

:the Lord gives and the Lord takes away...yet blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21

Just remember, that God has given you each day withOUT that 3rd child for a reason. His purpose is divine....not always fun.

I know that He is using this time to draw you closer to Him, to make you stronger, and to grow your family.

Keep on doing what you do. He will make your way clear!!!

Tami said...

I'm so sorry Michelle. I really don't have any words to make you feel better because I know it's something you have to deal with inside yourself. My heart does ache for you and I am praying for you. Sending you lots of hugs from Colorado!!

5price4ever said...

Don't give up hope. It took 2 years for me to get pregnant with my first beautiful baby girl. We knew we wanted more children so we tried again. No luck.My husband and I had to keep trying for 8 long years. We had sooo many tests done. Finally out of frustation I put my trust to the Lord. We still had to be patient and see doctor after doctor but we were blessed in the end with a handsome boy and 3 years after that we had a beautiful baby girl. So have faith that God does have a plan for you. No matter what the results may be, so be of good cheer.

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