Wednesday, January 21, 2009

full blown funk

I won't lie, I feel like crap...mentally and physically. I ache. My face feels hot. I feel nauseous. No, I don't have the flu. I'm used to this feeling. What I can feel coming is that ever-so-unwelcome-reminder that I'm not prego...again. Along with a huge pain in my side. That feels like you have a knife in your side pain. Great.

I was told after my last surgery (see last post #3) that I might not be able to have more children. (Oh, and I got all these lovely "side effects" from aforementioned surgery, too. Nice) Or if I could have more kids it would probably be very difficult. Yeah, not something you really want to hear when you have a 6 inch incision down the front of you with tubes coming out of everywhere sitting on a morphine drip that's much too weak. Not to mention I'm not exactly a spring chicken. I don't really have the luxury of time. I've given it a year. Nothing. So I'm bummed. Well, to be quite honest I'm a bit peeved (to put it mildly). Oh, and to add insult to injury the diet was totally blown today. I don't care.

I sometimes question why God would do this to me. I realize that's not always the best way to think. And on most days, like 99% of the days, I accept the life that He has given me. I accept that it might be His will that I do not have any more children. But come on, I'm doing my best here. I go to church. And I don't just sit there, I actively listen and take to heart what's being said. I take my kids to Sunday School. We *never* miss either one. We pray. I teach my kids right from wrong and about God's lessons for us. It's a daily discussion in our house. So it's confusing to me. But I'm trying to learn. Learn what He is trying to teach me. It's frustrating and it's hard. And some days, like today, I just don't want to accept it.

Tomorrow will be better. I know it will. He'll show me that despite everything that I want but don't get, there are still many more blessings that He has given me. Blessings that I didn't even ask for. Sometimes the journey that we take might not necessarily be our first choice, but it ends up being the right one for us in the end. Learned that one at church last Sunday (see, I listen!!)

So for now, I'm gonna give my kids great big hugs. That'll make me smile. And somehow sharing all of this makes me a feel a little bit better. Because quite honestly, most months I feel like I carry this all by myself.


Kelly said...

So sorry you're having such a hard time right now. Sounds like you know all the right things, but you just aren't feeling them. Hang tight. God loves you so much and will give you what is best, even if it doesn't seem that way right now. At times like this, I always remind myself what He allowed his own son Jesus to suffer for our ultimate good and that I should never be surprised that He allows me to suffer, too. Prayers for you, Michelle!

Anonymous said...


Once I heard that God answers our prayers 3 ways. One of those is "No, because I love you too much" And another is "Only I know what's best for you." So take solace in that. If you're like most of us, you know all this in your head but the heart is a different matter. We all have our burdens and you just need to focus on what you do have. You have so much to share with others and we all are SO blessed to be the recipient of your kindness. I am using all your scrap storage suggestions in reorganizing my space.You will NEVER know how many people you have touched until you arrive in heaven but I know right now it's hard to see beyond today. Please know you have my prayers and I will continue to lift you up.

Carol said...

Hey! Catching up on my reading tonight. :) I'm sorry that you haven't been feeling well (mentally & physically). If I can help you out in any way, just say the word.

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